Journaling

For 40 years I have been keeping journals. They are lined up by my desk. I have slowly gone through some of them and am letting them go.  Looking at my journals is like looking into a clothes closet. There are  worn clothes that I love. New clothes that hang without creases. And there are those pieces that are uniquely me. My PhD program in English Literature at Brown University was dramatically transformed into a M.A. is a worn pair of blue jeans that no longer fits. I did get a lot out of those years in Providence.  Many hours were spent  reading and studying the writings of Virginia Woolf.  I am proud of that. She remains a powerful influence on my life and my thinking. Many lines are about the ups and downs of graduate school.

Purpose for my life:

There was always hope and purpose in my journals, but also yearning. I was a bit of a fish flailing about in the pond. I was young  and my dreams were there, but not always fulfilled. Dreams spill onto many pages as for many years I worked with a Jungian therapist. I kept her busy. I remember I often dreamt of animals including zebras, an otter and many cats of course. One could call me a dilettante, but I didn’t mean to dabble. I was serious about my interests and loves. I believed there was a purpose for my life. One entry I came across is Psalm 18: “He brought me out into an open place, he rescued me because he delighted in me.”  I was diligent about finding that place. Eventually, I would settle into a long publishing career. For a long time it brought me great joy and success. And then it would change along with me.

Journals as a safe emotional space for writing:

However, I still remained a seeker – always hoping to find  a “room of my own” to develop my voice.  And if I couldn’t always have an actual physical space in which to write, my journals provided a safe emotional space. Virginia Woolf, George Eliot, Carolyn Heilbrun, Phyllis Rose and many other female writers spoke of how important this is for a woman who wants to write. It took many journals and many hours of therapy, but eventually I would be able to go beyond the simple yearning to write to actually writing. I do live alone and I am able to do that which many seek to do with their lives — write, read, sing, bicycle and other interior and exterior adventures.