The Silent Battle

I used to spend some of my day feeding young cats in Fort Greene Park near my old apartment.Taking care of them was one of my daily rituals. I met Christopher doing this. He is a young man who lives in a wheel chair. Half of his leg is gone. He works out with his trainer near where I fed my cats. He has a big smile and a fierce determination. Now when I look at him, I see the man and not the chair.

One day we were talking about what we did.  He told me he had a blog. Later that night I read his story. When he was 15 years old he was called to his sister’s aid as she was being attacked by a gang in Brooklyn. She got away, but the gang shot him 9 times in the back and leg. He fought to live and now at 23 years old this young former football player fights his battle off the field. I believe Christopher made a conscious effort to embrace his life not as it was, but as it is. Intense exercise and discipline has helped him ward off depression and keeps his mind and body active.

I believe that all people have something in their lives that causes pain, even the ones who don’t look as if they do. It has to do with the human condition. Sometimes it involves terrible accidents, disease, and unfortunate twists of fate. Pain often lies deep under the surface of our lives.

Twenty years ago I discovered that I suffered from bipolar-illness. I was an avid runner, mother and a successful publishing sales person. I had been able to keep this illness at bay. Finally the stress of a big job, a young child, a long commute, constant travel and little sleep put me over the edge. For a long time I was shaped by this illness even though I never dared mention its name.

Over the past years with professional help and experience, I have become less defined by it. There is no shame in mental illness. While it may be different from heart disease or cancer, it is still an illness that requires medication, a lot of common sense and extreme discipline. Most of all it requires compassion. I have found writing, singing and physical activity help manage the “moods ” life throws my way.

These two stories have similarities. At the core they are about being vulnerable. In order to be invulnerable, both Chris and I have learned to be vulnerable. This approach may not work for everyone, as there is diversity in pain. While Chris’ pain is physical, mine is mostly mental. I saw Chris recently and he had completed college and is planning to go to graduate school.  He has shaped his life through determination and grit. I hope to do the same with mine.

One of my Episcopal priests has a quote inscribed at the bottom of his e-mails: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” This quote is by Ian Maclaren, Scottish author and theologian.