Emotional Intelligence – how to feel

I am presently devouring the 3^rd Season of “The Crown.” I don’t believe everything the Queen does and says in it is factual, but the actress Olivia Coleman is so good at times it seems as if I am in Buckingham Palace. In the episode I just saw there is a terrible mining disaster in Wales and many children are buried alive. Over 100 perish. Eventually the Queen visits the village, but she later confides to the Prime Minister that she does not know how to feel or how to weep. “I dabbed a bone-dry eye and by some miracle no one noticed, ” she confesses. Then, when she is by herself much later, she listens to the recording of “Jesus, Lover of my Soul.” This is the hymn that the Welsh families sang at the funeral of the lost children. We see a tear run down her solemn face.

Where do we learn “emotional intelligence?” There have been many books written on the subject, but my understanding of this ability to feel is best learned from another. After all we are speaking of empathy and the ability to express one’s emotions. My father taught me something about empathy. He could show you how to feel and would weep when something moved him. I will never forget the night we were at the home of his sister before the funeral of their teenage daughter who was killed crossing the street. He was moved and he showed it through understanding and care. I was young and didn’t fully understand the situation, but I knew he did. I will never forget that night.

In a different way, there was a week when my parents were caring for our young son while we were on vacation. They picked him up at his preschool early and he threw a tantrum. He wasn’t expecting this. He was always picked up at 5:30 and they picked him up at 3:30. Later that evening he was saying his prayers with his grandmother and he told her that it would be okay if she picked him up early the next day. I remember recounting this story to one of my colleagues at Alfred A. Knopf. She simply looked at me and said “ah, emotional intelligence.”

Can we get into another person’s shoes and feel what it is like to be them? Is it worth the time and the effort? I do believe we have the role models and the capacity to learn this and I believe it is worth the effort.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.